This FAQ is totally in order, no chapters that throw you back and forth or anything. This is how I beat the game in less than six hours. No screwin' around. OK, intro cutscene, yadda yadda... Now stumble around the gate until you see an opening where you can talk to Birdy the Scarecrow. He will teach you to use context sensitive. If you use that pad again, it will give you helium, which Birdy will suck up. If you push it again, more booze! Now walk through that opening that Birdy opened up and use the B-Pad. Run over to the rock on the edge of the waterfall. Don't worry if you fall. Because you'll end up unharmed next to an opening that leads you back to Birdy. Jump from that rock using the Helicoptery-Tail-Thing (You do not need to crouch jump). Then repeat this step until you find the Gargoyle. Don't go back up to him or he'll knock you off the bridge. Jump and pull the lever behind you to open the doors below you. Go back and enter those doors to find a key. You'll soon find you need a weapon. A frying pan! Joy. Knock out the key and use it to open the door. Then run back up to the Gargoyle and whack him. A rock falls in your way now. Jump on the rock and over to the wooden platform nearby. Use the B-Pad and jump back to where the rock -was-. Enter the door. By the way, Chris Seavor (Voice of Conker and a co-writer) revealed in an interview that the duct tape was used to pull the hair from the weasles' testicles. Yay! Grab the chocolate and go to your right to talk to the queen bee. Go to the "Nasty" side to find the wasp nest. Don't try to enter, a big centipede whacks you out of the way. Just grab the hive... AND RUN! Don't let off of the control stick or the wasps will catch you. Run back to the bee and go around that little mound with grass in the middle. The bee will give you your first paycheck $100! Go to the B-Pad and conduct your buisiness with Birdy. Use the slingshot to kill the dung beetles. TWO HITS! Remember! Then walk through the entrance to your right. You see that rat? Talk to the Metal Block Guy and then use the crouch jump to a helicoptery tail thingy to jump over the fence to where you see the wooden box guy. Walk over to the other metal block guy and have him open the gate. Knock out a piece of cheese and take him back to the mouse while avoiding being crushed by the jumping blocks. Repeat twice more and the rat explodes. Jump on the "Fat-Ass Bitch" and onto the pipes then onto the roof. Grab the cash and run jump on the button. Then enter the barn. Most of the other FAQs would tell you to move onto the Sloprano chapter. Walk over to Franky the Pitchfork to start a fight. Have him kill all the haystacks by dodging his strikes. Notice how the drunken King Bee fell out? You may or may not choose to help him now. But if you do, here's how: Talk to the Busty Sunflower. Then go back to the bees next to the wooden box. The other bees are located... 1) After a high jump next to the area entrance. 2) Where you found the money. 3) All the way up on the Water Tower. And 4) On the cheese rocks surrounding Burt's Cheese Pen. Go back to the sunflower and she'll show you her stigmas! Yowza! -Sarcasm-... To reach the money above her boobs, high jump onto them and hold down A. Collect your reward and head to the wooden box. Stand on him and then enter the barn through the place that the king fell from. Walk slowly along the metal bars and use the flamethrower with B just as you hear the bats go "EEK EEK!" Once you reach the B pad where you can throw knives at Franky, aim for the rope and cut him down. Then jump off the ledge. You will lose a chocolate. Dry your eyes, pussy. Use Franky to attack the big hay guy from behind. After three times, you will fall through the floor. You're gimped. Ha ha! Ride Franky to behind the huge pipes. Wait till he fires BOTH Suzie 9mm Missles at you. Then go and stand in the flowing water. Haybot will rush to you and get electrocuted. While he's spinning, jump and push the red button on his back using B. Use good timing. Repeat this behind the other pipes. Once he's down, you have your leg back. RUN to the pipe that says EXIT and climb the ladders. Use throwing knives and your "excellent" skills to cut down any wires you see. Once the water starts running again, swim to the next spot and use the throwing knives to cut down any remaining wires. Then swim to the exit once the water runs for the third time. You will end up at the top of the barn. Climb the ladder and avoid the wasps to reach the diving board. NO it does not bounce. Jump out a few feet and press B. This will open up the grate at the bottom of the area. Go there and grab the money. Congrats. It's poo time! Woot... Go back out to the main area and go to the way that smells a bit pooey. Go into the cabin and use that B thing on the door on the floor. Then use the ropes in that huge room to reach a poo waterfall. Jump into the hole that the poofall is coming from. Walk towards the light O_o. See the trough on the outside of the poo river? See the low rooves behind it? Make your way up those by dodging the pooballs. run clockwise on the large valve up there to let out the prune juice. Yummy! Trick the bull into hitting that target and releasing a cow. Then trick the bull into getting stuck in the target wall. Jump on his back to ride him. He is hard to control and he WILL buck you off the side if you let him. A smart thing to do is not let him. Der. Ram that cow and it shall drink the ... heheh... Cranberry juice. Ram her again while she's in her lady-like position over the grate. Repeat this process with the following two cows. But the second cow takes two hits to get thirsty and the third one takes three. Jump on in after the bull breaks the grate. Can't swim under water? Boohoo. You need some confidence, try the B-pad nearby. Then swim down and grab that money that was teasing you earlier. Then you may swim down the dark hole at the bottom. Exit the cabin to find a big ball of poo! Hooray! Push it down past the ladder that leads to that bank you can't get to. Then push it off th ledge and onto the "Meep" as I call them. Then go back to the magically appeared other poo ball. Push it up the road BEHIND the cabin. Avoid it being nudged off by beetles. Then once Conker force-feeds the big beetle, go back to the -again- magical re-appeared pooball. Roll that up the hill in front of the boarded up entrance. DO NOT PUSH THE POO BALL INTO THE HOLE OR YOU ARE SCREWED! Push it in front of the hole and climb up on it and grab the money. Then you can push the ball into the hole. Congrats. Big Poo time! Enter the poo mountain AKA Slopranos. Knock out those corn things and chuck 'em off the edge. There are two on the second hole and three on the third. Beware the evil hand! Now Behold the GREAT MIGHTY POO! His song goes like the once you play it the whole way through: I am the Great Mighty Poo and I'm going to throw my shit at you A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish. How about some scat you little twat? Do you really think you'll survive in here? You don't seem to know which creek you're in! Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear How do you think I keep this lovely grin? Now I'm really getting rather mad! Your'e like a niggly, tickly, shitty, little tagnut. And once I've knocked you out with all my bab, I'm going to tak your head and ram it up my butt! Conker: Your butt? GMP: My butt! Conker: Your butt?! GMP: That's right, My butt! Conker: Eww! GMP: My butt! Conker: Ewwww! GMP: My BUUUUUUUUUUUTT! Lovely song indeed. But you can't hear it unless you kill him. To do this, avoid his poop and use the B-pad to throw toilet paper into his mouth. Once you have completed this task, DO NOT GO THROUGH THAT DOOR! Beyond it lies a deviously hard path with a dead end. Just walk out. Remember that switch behind the meep? Use the B jump to press it and create a whirl pool. The meeps will be engulfed. Swim around the whirlpool and into that doorway. After the prissy little catfish with annoying accents give you a mission, follow through with it. You'll see an underwater door next to that dogfish. Swim through it to find the Cogs. Once that elevator is free, use it to make your way to an upward climb up the tower. You know how to take care of the bats. Once you get to the top, DON'T leave without getting the money. Pull the lever and work your way back down. Then you can enter the other underwater passageway to the missing cogs. Retrieve all three and give them to the gray cog for a little sexual innuendo. Once all three are in place, you can run on the big cog on the ground. Go back outside and lead the catfish to their restrained "Friend". They will open the vault and allow you in. Use the slingshot to spell out "Open" on the giant decoder ring. Miss a letter, a meep will bounce at you. Hit him with a rock to send him crying back to his hole. Once the floor opens up, use the B-pad to get the lantern hat. Swim underwater into Clang's Lair. Clang is the huge one eyed fish. The lantern scares him away. Remember to stop along the way for air. I'm not sure how to navigate through this place. Good luck. Once you find your way, you will enter the Fire Imp's lair. Get drunk and go pee on them. This is the most awesome feature in the game. After a few seconds of urination on a single one, it will burn out and dissolve. If you go into Hangover Mode, go to the B-Pad on the left wall and take some Chasers. Then go beck to get drunk again. After a while of abuse, the Fire Imps decide to use the big big guy. A bourgeois, big bollocked boiler. Simple Boss. Just go to the corners of the room and wait for him to follow you and use his flame attack. High Jump and pull the cord to unleash some stuff.. I do not know what... on him. Then run up to his Pride and press B for a BallBashing experience. Repeat this at all corners and the pain is your's for the viewing. After he is dead, his bollocks remain. Roll one on the switch on the ground and the other through the door with two meeps behind it. Walk through the hole they make to find the cash. Ten effing dollars?! You are Pissed! Take out your rage by leading the free dogfish past all the catfish... and watch the happy. Once you reach the peir, you win. He becomes stuck in the wall, and the THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS are your's. Exit this evil place. Go back to where the Wasp Nest is. Use the openings, except for the one on ground level, to find our way to a nice new hundred. Then remember that hole that the Great Might Poo fell into? Go back there and go through that door. The tail on the wall will always be there no matter how many times you die. So fret not. Swim underwater through the fans that cut you in half. on the other side, you will find a path that leads to a rope. this rope leads to a ladder. But don't let those blades getcha! Talk to the gullible weasle to get past into the Uga Buga chapter! Jump past the dinosaurs to make your way to the other side where there's a door. Same on the next level. And the next. On the top level, theres some money and an idol. Grab the money and then use the B jump to slam the idol into the ground several times. It will fall through onto a caveman. Then give that idol one more slam to open a door beneath you. Run over to the rocky place and avoid those rock dudes. Get the rock thats curled up into a ball and roll him over under the idol and past the guards and into the two cavemen in the tunnel. Enter the God's Lair for some dramatic music. Behind this God to his right, there is a door. Walk through this door. Follow the path above the lake of lava until you reach the Stone Monk. Stand on his slab and have him hurl you onto the dino egg. Hatch the egg with B and you have your new Pet. Let's take him for a walk, shall we? Go in the other direction (not the way you came) and let your little baby feast! Go through that door at the end of the pathway and guide your thick-headed dino-baby past the lava rock pits and onto the sacrificial platform. Then use the B-pad slingshot to hit the little button on the wall with an explosion on it. Then it’s happy-go-squishy time! The God opens his mouth, but you can’t walk up his slimy tongue… yet. Use the little stone guy to boost yourself onto his head and find some cash. Then watch his nostrils for the gas that shoots up. Wait until the gas goes away to jump on those nostrils and use B to shake pepper into each one. He will sneeze (duh) and grant you access to his mouth. Avoid the uvulas inside and work your way to the back. You will discover a caveman’s corpse and Conker will steal his hood. Once you’re back to the outside, the cavemen will FINALLY appreciate you. Lead them to the rock dudes and help them give ‘em a beating. Now, that big bouncer dude will let you in. You can now dance with the –ahem- sexy women of the club. Yes the club has awesome techno music and Conker has some ownage moves. First step, walk to the far side where the cavemen are. Take the rock from behind the bar and roll it up to the big square button near the entrance. Now it’s time to get hammered! Get drunk on that huge keg and pee the middle rock guy through the open hole. Take some chasers in the middle of the room and hop up those huge steps to get on the area above the cage dancing Berri. Roll the rock guy there to a switch on the switch at the far end while avoiding the ever so hawt dancers. This opens up two more passages. Get drunk again! Pee both rock guys into their corresponding holes to free Berri. Then grab the cash and walk out of the club… or so you think. That bomb gives you about 90 seconds to complete your mission. You need no advice. Just good luck and a good controller. Then jump on the floating platforms and exit the room. You’ve been mugged and now its time to teach those prehistoric giro-spazers a lesson. Get on Simon’s board and chase those cavemen. Use B to hit them with your frying pan. After you kill the first and second, the path changes slightly. You’ll notice. Once you’ve killed all three, jump off that ramp and grab that cash and proceed to the coliseum. Walk to the group of cavemen near the large red door. Hi, Fangy! Get a few seconds between you and the raptor and use the B-pad to hypnotize him into letting you ride him. BLOOD AND GUTS GALORE! Use B or the fire button to eat the cavemen. The second wave has annoyingly cunning cavemen with clubs. The third wave has spears. The fourth has clubs AND spears. Then big-bone-boy up there will challenge you. Wait until he flexes for a strong attack and chop his crotch. Then, while he’s loincloth-less, sneak behind him and take a chunk out of his big, yellow, arse. Repeat this three times to find a very humorous scene. Then use the big chunk taken out of the wall to get up on the passage where the troops came from. Once up there, follow the money to the exit of Uga Buga. Follow the signs to get back to the poo level. Go back to the Queen Bee to find her hive is stolen again. This time, you get to use the turret on the hive. But INSIDE the wasp nest. When the Queen tells you to, get out of the hive and run back her spot. Now, while avoiding the worms, talk to the barrel on top of the mountain and ride him to the bottom. When you come to, it’s night. Swim through that opening that barrel boy made. You find yourself trapped in the spooky level. Swim up to Gregg, if you haven’t met him yet, he’s the grim reaper, then swim to the hidden opening in the water past him. Pull the lever on the other side and return to Gregg. He will give you a shotgun… HALLELUJAH! Walk through the open gates and kill twelve zombies. Then talk to Gregg who has appeared at the end of the cemetery. Walk up the path and avoid skele-worms. Enter the mansion and enjoy the Bram Stoker’s Dracula parody. Now you’re a bat. Who can poop. Congratulations. Fly around the house and poop on the villagers and drop them in the grinders. Once you’ve got enough, Conkula will fall in the grinders and you will be free. Watch for zombies as you walk through the opening next to you and follow the path of planks to the key. Don’t forget to stop and use B to pull out a crossbow and kill the three bats. Grab the key and follow the obvious path back to the front door. The next key is located in the middle of the family cemetery. Walk through the hall on the left side of the door. You will find lots of zombies but you will also stumble upon the key. Take that key back to the door. Then head upstairs and find the ladder you just unlocked. Once you climb up it, jump to the RIGHT and follow the path to the lever. Pull that lever! Then you go the left of the ladder. Grab the key, follow the path, and open the big door. It’s all harder than it sounds. Hop on the barrel and CAREFULLY roll down the path, through the cemetery, across the lake, up the waterfall, and walk through the door. There’s that evil money! Collect it and head back up to the main area. Go toward the Nasty side and jump over the barbed wire and through the door. IT’S WAR! First, go underwater and lure that eel through all three turbines to get the power back on. Then, go back up on land and push the block in the way of the hill. You’ll need it there. Walk up the hill and knock on the bathroom door. Yes that is a Jinjo (for those of you who have played either Banjo-Kazooie game). Push him down the hill. You can lead him to the left, or the right. The left, obviously, you must dodge some jumping crates. The right, is covered in spider mines. Once you get him all the way to the end of either path, go to the B-pad in the center of the area and use the Fire-Slingshot to blow him up. Then go find him again in the bathroom. Then take him down the path opposite of the one you previously took. Blow him up again and meet the general near the boat. Time to kill yourself some Tediz. GET YOUR ARSE UP THAT BEACH! Yes, those bullets can hurt you. Run behind the first obstacle and wait for your buddies to start running. Then follow them to the second obstacle. Then wait for them to start running again. Follow them to the third one. Wait for your last friend to start running and say good-bye because he explodes just before you reach the last obstacle. Wait for the turrets to stop and run to the fortress. Shoot off the lock with your new guns and walk through the door. In this room, Tediz are everywhere. Walk around the room to reveal them and keep a sharp eye out for them. When you’ve killed them all, carefully work your way through the obstacle course of lasers. Tediz hide behind boxes, corners, and overhead air ducts. In the next hallway, it’s the same thing, but there are flame throwing Jinjos. Just wait for them to stop before proceeding. These Tediz have throwing knives and daggers. But there are many of them. Kill them all and attempt to rescue the squirrel. It doesn’t matter which switch you pull, because they both shock him. Then pull the other switch to open the door. To beat the turret Tediz, Wait for him to reload before moving. Get your timing right and hide behind the pole next to him. Then climb up as he reloads. Hide behind the pole again, and when he stops, run to the B-pad and blow him up with a bazooka. Get in the turret and fire away at the Tediz that come from both hallways. Once they have all died, exit the turret and go down the second hallway. There is nothing for you in the next room except for a preview of the upcoming boss. If you have played previous Conker games, which I haven’t, you will rcognize this little goggle-eyed squirrel as Rodent. Kill the four Tediz that guard him. Now lead him down the path and avoid bombs. When a spider-mine runs up to you, hide behind Rodent and you both will be unharmed. When you get to the next part, WAIT FOR THE CUTSCENE. Then jump to the floating raft in the water and use the bazooka to blow the four red locks off. Then jump, dodging the Tediz, towards the unlocked door. On the other side, there is a tank. Get in it but stay there. Just blow the door off opposite the tank. Then get out and walk through the door. Do regular jumps across the acidic pools and when a spider-mine runs towards you, jump back to the other side and let it fall in. Get to the end, pull the lever, and run back outside. Get in the tank and prepare for the hardest part in the game. Right away, shoot the first leg off the tower. It is marked with caution tape. Then, exit the tank, watch for the turret, and tail-jump to the other side. Use a B-jump to bring the bridge down. Follow these steps and watch for the caution tape legs to shoot off. Once all four are blown up, exit the tank and jump down the hole where the turret was. Notice something strange about that Little Girl? Heh, you should. Use the bazooka to blow up the submarine three times. Then at the next pier, there are two submarines to blow up three times. Then at the last pier, there are three. This is rather challenging sometimes. Run back to the little girl. Yes what she says is “Do you know what your cunting daughter did?” just like Regan in The Exorcist. Run to the tank and hide in one of the towers that you find chocolate in. Shoot each of her guns off after they stop shooting. To kill the Magneto Lasers, you have to hurry up and shoot them before they shoot you. Use the same strategy on the Fur-guided Tedi-funkin U47 Mark-Two Missiles that you did on the Mini-gun. Oh, a lovely countdown. How fabulous. Run down the hole and through the maze and, yes, there are Tediz in there. But no flame-throwing Jinjos. Walk up to the door. Could it be that easy? Of course not! Idiot! Don’t walk into the lasers. You have a bazooka this time. Kill all the Tediz. Then walk out and you will see many Tediz with Bazookas. You can kill the first row pretty easily. But not the second. They are a very good shot and they like moving targets. I suggest jumping around and tricking them into killing each other. Run to the Beach and you are free. No more war… The horror… The horror… And, whatever happened to Rodent? Ready for the coolest part of the game? The Matrix Level Aka The Heist. Run back up to the Windmill where the barrel was. Jump down the hole where the windmill –was- walk through the door and you find the bank you could see from the Poo Level. You get to work side-by-side with Berri, who actually is provided as a distraction for the guards. Run behind the pillars and use B to Matrix Jump across and shoot the guards. You get to enjoy little Matrix parody cutscenes. Once you get into the vault, capture three wads of money as you did the cheese and the sweet corn earlier in the game. Then you get to enjoy a long and boring cutscene. Let me see if I can remember how it goes. Notify me if I get any of it wrong. -Conker: Whoa, Millionaire! Hey, check it out! I’m a millionaire Berri! Berri? -Berri: Conker Honey… -Conker: Ah, so much for that. -Panther King: Ah, at last, a red squirrel… Good. -Conker: Red squirrel? Oh, I think he means me. But I don’t know this guy. Do you know him Berri? -Berri: Beats me! -Conker: Unless… he’s the Fabled Panther King! But he only lives in stories like my mum used to tell me to get me to sleep. The Fairy Panther King… -Panther King: Who are you calling a fairy? -Conker: No as in, like ephemeral. Something that doesn’t exi- doesn’t matter. -Panther King: No… doesn’t matter… not anymore… not for you. Weasel! Here is your reward. -Don Weasel: Many thanks boss. So what’re you gonna do with him? -Panther King: You leave him to me. -Don Weasel: So you’re not gonna kill him? -Panther King: Not exactly. -Berri: Step aside, Conker. I know how to deal with men like him. -Panther King: Such loyalty… Misplaced. Get rid of her! -Don Weasel: Easiest thing in the world boss. Sorry dollface, business is business. *Ratattattatattatta* -Conker: Hey! Mind where you’re sh… Berri? -Berri: *Gasps* I… I… *Death Croak* -Conker: Oh no! -Panther King: *Gasps* Pro-professor! -Professor Von Kripplespac: Coming! Coming sire! -Panther King: It’s… Getting worse. - Professor Von Kripplespac: Ah, yes, it would be getting worse. Oh! Ahem! Ohh you don’t look to so good. -Panther King: Get… me… my… milk! - Professor Von Kripplespac: At last, I think the incubation period is just about complete. Since that stupid squirrel got rid of my Tediz, Bastard! The final stages of my plan are coming into place. Let us kill two birds with one stone, sire. -Conker: What’s going on here? -Panther King: What’s… going… on here? -Don Weasel: I don’t know what’s going on here, but I think it’s time to make an exit. -Panther King: *gasp, gargle, BANG!* -Heinrich: ROAR! Reerrr! - Professor Von Kripplespac: Come here Heinrich, my beauty. Squirrel, can you help but not admire this Creature? Even though he is going to kill you, rip you limb from limb, you can’t help but admire his beauty… His power… His poise! He is not a wonderful creature is he? Conker: You got that right… he’s not! Professor Von Kripplespac: Don’t listen to him. You are about to see the power of hydrogen, mixed with nitrogen, two parts petrol. Heinrich, kill! Again, send me a message if I messed any of that up. Anyways, pull that switch behind you. You have opened the airlock, but you have also taken care of Professor Von Kripplespac. Avenge Berri’s death! Run to the door opposite of the airlock to find a suit. Use the same strategy seen in Aliens. Use the suit to punch Heinrich four consecutive times so that he falls on the floor. Run behind him and grab his tail. Then use the Mario technique and spin the control stick and use B to let go. Throw him out of the airlock three times and you’ve beaten the game. Congrats. But you used this guide you filthy cheater you! Here are some fun codes to use. None are “Infinite Health” or “Bonus Levels” but rather fun things to use in Multi. Go to the Options menu and select cheats to use them. *Deathmatch only *Play as Zombies: BeefCurtains *Play as Reg. Conker: Wellytop *Play as Neo Conker: Eastereggsrus *Play as Tediz or Squirrel General: Rustysheriffsbadge *Play as Cavemen: Eatbox Matrix Decapitation or Chainsaw Massacre (Only available when one person is playing): Spunkjockey There are more codes including one to play as Gregg. But I have forgotten them. There are also codes for if you want to unlock chapters, but that would be wimpy of you. You have NO reason to beat this game in any more time than a day. It is simple and fun. This guide tells you all the secrets as well. I had to learn all of this myself. So consider your ungrateful selves lucky.